I have nothing to write about.

And it's always been an issue.. My life is dreary, people say that only boring people get bored but I'm sure that's not the problem. I hope that's not the problem. 

My father said something to me recently, he said "cheer up, you're at the age when you should be in the prime of your life" or something to that respect. In case you guys need a life update I'm currently 19, out of education and I'm now working in tescos. This combination basically = shit. Obviously I'm trying to get out, find something new, something I enjoy. Something I'm fed up of hearing is "you're not trying hard enough to get what you want" this statement is everywhere, work hard, get results. I've been waking up at four/five every day for the past month and a half. I've been secretly going to horrid auditions for shitty shows because I'm desperate to be part of something that doesn't make me want to cry. The friends I have left (who I haven't stopped seeing because for some fucking reason I pushed everyone away during and after college) all now seem to be depressed or having the time of their lives. It's one or the other.

God this post is depressing but I just needed to write it down because everyone is just too fucking nice.

I hate my job but I can't complain to my coworkers because they're always so happy to see me, it just makes me more upset. How can they be happy with working in this environment? Why can't I feel the same way? Why when I get home am I tired all the time and why am I pushing away the people I love? If you're saying I should just quit, well: I am planning to go to university for all the wrong reasons in September. It's a desperate attempt to give myself some structure. Some new friends who I haven't disappointed yet, a new settlement.. I love living with my parents, it's something I'm not used to having lived my mum for the majority of my life. But it's strange, as much as they tell me I'm not, I feel like a burden. Like a reminder one of their kids isn't doing so well. This depressing ghost that just sleeps and eats, forever moaning and wailing about how unhappy she is.

I feel like I need to go through that you're only young once phase, the forgetting last night, getting your heartbroken for the first time, taking something you know you shouldn't have phase.

But I want to work hard, get this chip off my shoulder.. Make my parents (and myself) proud. I want to dance, and sing and write and perform and show that I can work bloody hard. I just don't know how to get there yet.