Crossing them off!

Okay, first of all I have to apologise for being a depressing as hell so and so on my last post.

Second I
need to dedicate a little love to a young lady called Adelaide*. Adelaide, your comment made my week, it made me realise that no matter what there is always someone there to make you feel cheerful.. You are a princess and I miss you!

After getting a hold of myself a little bit I wrote myself a little bucket list of sorts.. Not a proper bucket list of things I'd love to do before I die, but a teenage bucket list. Things I want to do as a teenager... These include:

• Forget the night before
• Throw an egg at something in anger
• Enjoy a festival.

This of course, is just a snippet I've left off some more illegal things.. And influenced because I was raised on American movies, but I digress.

Now I will tell you all about what I did two days after my blog posting was posted.

Exactly two days after I wrote my list, I arranged with my drone* to have a little barbecue with a couple of friends. For the purpose of integrity and anonymity we'll call said friends F and D. The plan was that we go by Tescos and buy some beers and fags. Not my words, I like neither particularly and decided I'd just buy myself a bottle of Rose due to the sunny weather and impending barbecue food.

After meeting up with the lads we all went and sat on the bank of the river, tres romantic. After deciding on a spot we all started on our journey across the fields, me sneezing, sniffing and spluttering. I was suffering from hay fever to the extreme and one of my eyes was completely gone. Red and weeping, I thought "This bloody hurts, what should I do? I know. I'll get drunk so it doesn't hurt so bloody much."

Mistake number 1.

There was talk, drinking, food and dancing around.. And before long, it was night. After I had finished my bottle I was offered a beer. Why not? Then another.. Finally after more dancing talking and clearing up our mess, we made our way to F's house. At this stage I was laughing at everything, wobbling a lot and had completely forgotten about my eye. Success! Once at F's, it was mentioned that D had not watched Game of Thrones. "Let's stay for a couple of episodes!"

Mistake number 2.

This is when my sketchy recollection of the evening subsides, and everything else I know has been told to me.

After seeing the fuzzy HBO screen, I fell into a deep slumber.

And started snoring.

An hour later drone decided we should probably stay.. considering he was rather drunk and also we weigh around the same size, there was definitely not a chance of hime carrying me for half a mile.

Mistake number 3.

The boys pulled out the sofa I was on to make a sofa bed. Apparently at this stage I hazily woke up, blearily looked at them (Me not being in glasses meant this really was a very bleary experience for us all, and I was most likely cross eyed) and rolled over and went back to sleep. After a little while longer, I suddenly sat straight up and.. I started making, um, noises. The best way to imagine it is thinking of a 96 year old chain smoker trying to sing a monotonous song with their mouths closed. And I kept making it.

Drone: "Are you alright sweetheart?"
Me: "Hrmmmp"
Drone: "Cha Cha?"
Me: Nodding, "Hrmm"
Drone: "Do you feel sick?"
Me: *Pause* "Hm"

Apparently I threw up on my leg, hand, F's sofa and floor.. (SO SORRY BY THE WAY) and then, with my sick covered hand, put it against my face and settled back into a deep and serene slumber.

Thank you F and D, for putting up with your lightweight friend. And thank you Jordan, for cleaning your silly girlfriend up so well she didn't even know the next morning. I know how squeamish you are and I bloody appreciated it.

I've ticked one off the list, and though I couldn't have felt worse the next day, I remember feeling oddly satisfied. Life's too short to worry about yesterday.

Happy reading butty bells.
xoxo

* Adelaides blog: http://life-in-fairyland.blogspot.co.uk
* My boyfriend. Drone is a cute nickname because he's like a bee. It's not because he drones on.

I have nothing to write about.

And it's always been an issue.. My life is dreary, people say that only boring people get bored but I'm sure that's not the problem. I hope that's not the problem. 

My father said something to me recently, he said "cheer up, you're at the age when you should be in the prime of your life" or something to that respect. In case you guys need a life update I'm currently 19, out of education and I'm now working in tescos. This combination basically = shit. Obviously I'm trying to get out, find something new, something I enjoy. Something I'm fed up of hearing is "you're not trying hard enough to get what you want" this statement is everywhere, work hard, get results. I've been waking up at four/five every day for the past month and a half. I've been secretly going to horrid auditions for shitty shows because I'm desperate to be part of something that doesn't make me want to cry. The friends I have left (who I haven't stopped seeing because for some fucking reason I pushed everyone away during and after college) all now seem to be depressed or having the time of their lives. It's one or the other.

God this post is depressing but I just needed to write it down because everyone is just too fucking nice.

I hate my job but I can't complain to my coworkers because they're always so happy to see me, it just makes me more upset. How can they be happy with working in this environment? Why can't I feel the same way? Why when I get home am I tired all the time and why am I pushing away the people I love? If you're saying I should just quit, well: I am planning to go to university for all the wrong reasons in September. It's a desperate attempt to give myself some structure. Some new friends who I haven't disappointed yet, a new settlement.. I love living with my parents, it's something I'm not used to having lived my mum for the majority of my life. But it's strange, as much as they tell me I'm not, I feel like a burden. Like a reminder one of their kids isn't doing so well. This depressing ghost that just sleeps and eats, forever moaning and wailing about how unhappy she is.

I feel like I need to go through that you're only young once phase, the forgetting last night, getting your heartbroken for the first time, taking something you know you shouldn't have phase.

But I want to work hard, get this chip off my shoulder.. Make my parents (and myself) proud. I want to dance, and sing and write and perform and show that I can work bloody hard. I just don't know how to get there yet.